John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
