spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
