i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
