I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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