She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
