You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
