Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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