I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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