I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
