some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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