It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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