I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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