I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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