I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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