i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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