Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
