ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
