I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
