apparently the secret to your success is patron
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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