I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
