I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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