I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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