I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
