sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
