Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
