just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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