I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
