I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize