the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
