We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
