I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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