i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
