I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
