My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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