Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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