and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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