i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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