I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
