I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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