Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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