I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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