I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
