I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
