I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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