This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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