Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
