Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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