I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
