so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
