i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
