I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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