im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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