So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
