brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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