dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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