I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
