I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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