i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
